If not now, then when? Is there a right time to divorce?
January is always a busy month for divorce lawyers. For couples whose relationships are already strained, tensions have built up over the holiday period, fuelled by many hours together, too many relatives and excess alcohol involved. When that back-to-work day arrives, couples in an already fractured relationship realise that something has to change, or another year will pass by with no action.
IMPORTANT: if you have experienced or are experiencing any form of domestic abuse or coercive over the holidays, the time to act is now.
- Call 999 and if possible, get yourself and your children to a place of safety.
- Call the National Domestic Violence Helpline 0808 2000 247 (24 hours)
- https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk
- Once you’re safe, contact us for professional legal advice on how to proceed. We can and will help you.
(The rest of this article is written for those who are not experiencing abuse and whose relationship has broken down.)
The divorce decision for parents
For parents, an already difficult decision can be compounded if they have stayed together for the kids over Christmas, and are once again back to “normal” school and work routines. There probably doesn’t seem enough time or personal space to consider divorce, or that the financial position isn’t so good after the expenses of Christmas.
The reality is that there will never be an ideal time to divorce, never the right set of circumstances, never a period in the year which will be easier than another. The right time to divorce is the right time for you, and preferably after taking legal advice about your unique circumstances.
There are also minimum timescales involved. A no-fault divorce still takes six months from start to finish if everything is straightforward and both parties agree on key issues such as child arrangements and the financial settlement.
So, the question for parents who are still undecided when to divorce is, “If not now, then when?”
First things first
If you are considering divorcing, do not move out unless you are in danger. As soon as you can, come and talk to us first, before taking any action. It often feels good to talk to friends about your concerns, but you need to talk to a family lawyer about the legal implications, especially if your family finances or circumstances are complex or unusual.
We offer a 1 hour reduced fee consultation to give you time to discuss your circumstances with us, receive our expert advice, and then make a decision based on professional, up to date information. We have helped hundreds of couples separate and divorce with less stress and emotional upheaval, whilst achieving the best outcome for them and their family.
Staying together for the kids
One of the key reasons parents cite for delaying or even not getting divorced is the impact on their children. Divorce is never going to be easy, but staying together in a loveless relationship rarely is the best solution. Your children will notice, react, and could even resent you for it. We looked at some posts on popular parenting forums for their insights into divorce and the effect on children both at the time and in later life.
“If (your relationship) is turbulent or destructive, there's no better time than now. Kids who grow up with parents who scream, throw things, have emotionally abusive outbursts, are constantly threatening to leave or randomly don't show up, etc are better off having two healthy parents in separate homes than one home with parents who abuse each other.“
“If divorce will happen one way or another, the best time to do it is NOW. Take it from someone whose parents should have divorced decades ago but didn’t - they did no one any favours, least of all their kids. Don’t subject your kid to years of this.”
“(Since divorcing) my kids have improved for so much better in regards to feeling less stress, reacting better to routine changes, doing better at regulation of emotion etc. And overall just much happier kids. Two houses with healthy happy parents is 100% better than one miserable one.”
“The guilt that my husband carried knowing that his mother stayed in an unfaithful marriage for him was a huge burden … He wished that they had divorced when he was younger.”
“Staying in a relationship you hate is toxic and unfair to everyone. Yourself, the wife and your kids … What does staying in such a relationship teach them? To tolerate things you don't like for the rest of your life even though you don't like it? Put up a show for everyone when you know deep down things are not working? … I find the long term benefits (of divorce) outweigh all potential downsides.”
Starting your divorce in January 2025
One of the reasons parents give for seeking to get divorced in January is that it should be finalised by the summer holidays. Then the kids can start a new school year with a new child arrangements routine in place. However, this assumes that the divorce will be straightforward, and there are no delays, either between you both or at the court.
If you have already decided to get divorced, it is tempting to rush to file for divorce online asap in January. Our advice is simply - don’t. It seems simple but the consequences are life changing, and it is all too easy to make mistakes in the heat of the emotional moment.
Instead, invest some time in researching and considering what it will involve, both legally and emotionally. Talk to us. Collect the paperwork you might need to create a financial agreement, such as bank statements, credit card debts, an inventory of heirloom items and shared assets, and (if you can) proof of what your partner’s earnings and assets are too.
It is far better to file in late January or February and be prepared, than rush in early January and not understand the full consequences.
Different people now
Many couples who talk to us about divorce say “S/he is not the person I married.” It would be very surprising if they were. Like you, life and circumstances have affected them in terms of their priorities, their goals, and their connection to you and your children.
You too have changed, and so has your relationship. So, how do you recognise that it’s time to call it a day? On Mumsnet, members gave their moment of realisation:
“With me, I looked into my future and thought "Is this what I want to be doing in 20 years' time?" The answer was no so I knew it was time to get out.”
RaraRachel
“2 things:
1. You don’t know if you'll regret it, but when you think about a future with your DH, do you like the idea of it or not?
2. (What is) your dynamic right now? Does it role model a healthy relationship for your kids?”
wanabebandit
“I can’t say I won’t regret it in the future, but I doubt I will. I know I need to work hard to make the kids alright about all of this, but I would rather this than see them follow the same relationship pattern.”
LoisLanyard
“We could have had a half-life that was financially comfortable but soulless and inauthentic; but parallel to that I was living a suppressed life as a SAHM, and it was like a key turning to give me a sense of worth back. I grabbed it.”
SleepPrettyDarling
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