Too much Christmas: how the festive season can be a sensory challenge for SEND children and their parents
Christmas can be stressful for neurodivergent and SEND children, especially with changes to their routine. LGFL Director Rita Gupta explores ways to create child arrangements with less stress.
Christmas is constantly portrayed as a time of heightened excitement for children, surrounded by their families and opening presents, before sitting down to tables laden with the seasonal must-eats.
However, for SEND and neurodivergent children, the Christmas season can be very stressful. For many, the changes in routine, build-up of excitement, and sensory challenges of light and sound can become too much. For separated or separating parents already trying to maintain routine through a period of change, Christmas can make child arrangements more complex and more stressful.
LGFL Director Rita Gupta specialises in helping parents of SEND children address the additional challenges in negotiating child arrangements post separation and/or divorce. In this article, she explores these challenges with Dr Ruth Pearse, Founder and CEO of the charity Parenting Special Children, to uncover ways that separated co-parents of SEND children can cope better with Christmas 2025.
Rita Gupta writes:
The run-up to Christmas here in the UK seems to start earlier every year. In this extended atmosphere of heightened anticipation and excitement, newly separated parents may be struggling. They may have less structured expectations of the holiday season, but are still challenged by the logistics of ensuring their SEND children spend quality time with both parents over Christmas.
Early preparation for Christmas can help ensure that autistic and ADHD children and their families prevent anxiety and seasonal burn-out. As CEO of Parenting Special Children, Ruth Pearse has seen this issue at first hand.
“It really helps to pace yourself and your children. Christmas brings change, and for autistic people, that means uncertainty. For them, uncertainty equals anxiety, so planning really helps them and us as parents to navigate the Christmas period. It is all too easy to forget what you have booked, and said yes to something else, or dates get double-booked, which can cause overwhelm and upset for all.”
Scheduling social events, from school concerts to pantomimes, visits to Santa’s grottos, carol concerts, and even family parties can help too. Keeping an online Christmas season diary and sharing it with your co-parent and extended family prevents issues of over-commitment and double-booking. See my article for one co-parenting app that has helped many of our clients - Benefits of a Co-Parenting App
Letting go of (great) expectations
As Ruth Pearse suggests, when thinking about Christmas for your neurodivergent family, there’s no “should” involved.
“It is OK to simply say “No, this doesn’t work for our family.” Every family is different, so Christmas doesn’t need to conform to any tradition or standard format. For many families with neurodivergent members of any age, the ‘best’ Christmas is often just the way that works best for them.”
For example, Christmas dinner is a major change for many SEND children from what they normally expect of mealtimes, more food, more people, more noise, and changes in timings. To avoid unusual foods becoming an issue, if it works for your SEND child/young person to have the food they have every day, that is fine.
They will not be alone in wanting the familiar. A 2023 survey revealed that 36% of British households will order in their favourite takeaway rather than have a ‘traditional’ Christmas dinner. (1)
Two Christmas Days?
Many separated parents may consider it best for the children to have two “Christmas Days”, one with each parent. However, for children with SEND this arrangement may simply be too much to cope with. Equally, not having a ‘proper’ Christmas celebration may mean other siblings feel they have missed out. In this case, it’s worth considering having two separate celebrations, one that suits the SEND family member/s, and one for their Christmas-loving siblings.
Routines and rest time
In my experience as both a family lawyers and parent, children and parents can be physically and emotionally tired by the end of the autumn term. When their school routine ends and the holidays begin, SEND children and young people will require an element of routine. Parents can maintain routine by putting days in the diary where there are no unusual social interactions, for example.
Ruth Pearse also suggests that parents should build some ‘downtime’ or ‘rest times’ into every day. “Some ADHD children will need to be out whatever the weather, but plan for quieter activities, particularly at the end of the term.”
In my experience as a divorce lawyer, scheduling time for SEND children over Christmas inevitably involves more levels of cooperation and agreement between co-parents than simply deciding “Who gets the kids” on any given day. Both parents must accept and accommodate the need for an established daily routine regardless of location, to avoid the overstimulation of “too much”; too much extended family, too much new food, too much happening overall.
If you are separated and struggling to agree on child arrangement for Christmas between you, we can help. A child arrangement letter sets out the timetable and responsibilities in writing, in advance, so both parents can understand and agree on their responsibilities. For more details:
- See our article on Christmas child arrangements
- Call us to discuss your requirements
Surprises and SEND children
Many of us enjoy being surprised at Christmas, whether by an unexpected visit from friends, carol singers at the door, or an extra special gift. Christmas presents themselves bring uncertainty for children with SEND, and as stated before, uncertainty brings on anxiety. So if your child wants to decide exactly what they want for Christmas, don’t insist on it being a surprise. Some SEND children also find it easier not to have the present wrapped to reduce uncertainty.
A known, shared present from separated parents has the added benefits of resolving potential tensions and competition between parents. For more on this, see my YouTube video: Tips on children's Christmas presents for divorced couples
SEND Children at Christmas: Rita and Ruth’s Planning Tips
- Discuss the whole Christmas experience with your child. Find out what they find enjoyable, and what is stressful for them. (Perhaps also ask yourself the same question!)
- Be aware of potential triggers during the Christmas season. With early planning and a little creative thinking, you and your co-parent can make subtle changes that reduce the likelihood of triggers happening, or reduce their intensity.
- Try not to outstay your welcome at family occasions, and ask your guests not to do so either. It is far better to have a few hours of fun with family and friends, and then return to a less stimulating environment and routine. This approach will require a little explanation to wider family and friends, so they can be on board, and not view your earlier departure as a judgement on their event.
- Build in “chill time” both either side of the big day and during Christmas Day itself. It’s often exhausting, so having scheduled rest time can help reduce stress for everyone.
- Don’t worry if your child or family member with SEND wants to spend time on their own in their room. This may be necessary to avoid overwhelm. In truth, we probably all need some time during the day for just us!
Enjoy the Christmas moments
Whatever your family set up is, everyone deserves to have the most moments of joy and peace. It is unlikely that a whole day will pass without someone feeling overwhelmed or stressed, but with a plan in place, you and your family can focus on the calm and happy moments. These are the memories to truly treasure and enjoy for your children and yourself.
LGFL and Parenting Special Children
We’re proud to support Parenting Special Children and their Make Magic Christmas campaign, running from 2nd to 9th December. For one week only, every £1 donated is doubled, helping families raising neurodivergent children to flourish, belong, and be included. If you wish, you can donate here: https://donate.biggive.org/campaign/a05WS000006gbR8YAI
For more details on SEND children and divorce:
- See out two part articles series: Neurodiversity and Separations: An Inside View
- Watch our video series “Divorce and the SEN child”
- Contact us for your reduced fee initial consultation or child arrangement letter:
• Call us
• Email us
• Request your initial reduced fee consultation
About the author
Rita Gupta is Co-founder and Managing Director of family law firm LGFL Ltd, serving family law for clients in the Reading and Thames Valley area, across the UK and for international clients involved in UK divorce cases. She has featured as a family law expert on national TV and radio, including BBC Radio 5 Live with Nicky Campbell, LBC, GB News with Darren McCaffrey and local TV and radio.
- Legal 500 Recommended Lawyer
- Listed in Chambers and Partners
- Listed Leading Lawyer at Wiselaw
- Member of Resolution
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