A mountain to climb: Why divorce with a neurodivergent child is challenging

There’s a persistent common myth that 80% of marriages in families with an autistic child will end in divorce.

This simply isn’t true.

AT LGFL, we deal with many divorces every year, and as recognised experts in those involving SEND or neurodiverse children, a huge portion of our cases have a SEND element.

Our experience is backed up by a 2017 study by the Kennedy Krieger Institute and Johns Hopkins University which found that:

“Parents of children with autism split up as often as parents of children who don't have autism … The severity of a child's autism symptoms had no effect on the likelihood that parents would go their separate ways.” (1)

Another 2010 US study found that whilst the rate was higher, it was less than 10% above the (then) national divorce rate: (2)

“Parents of children with an ASD had a higher rate of divorce than the comparison group (23.5% vs. 13.8%).”

Whatever the reason for your marriage ending, it is true that any divorce involving neurodivergent children needs extra care and consideration to ensure a smooth transition.

Equally, your family lawyer needs a deep and genuine understanding of:

• The effect divorce can have on family routines, living arrangements, co-parenting and finances
• SEND issues: the process of divorce is hard enough without having to explain this to your lawyer

 

If you are considering divorce as the parent of a SEND or neurodivergent child, contact us:

• Call us
• Email us
• Request your reduce fee consultation

 

Neurodiversity and abusive relationships

In this article Rita discusses divorces for those not involved in an abusive or coercive relationship. If you are experiencing domestic violence and/or abuse, call 999 and if possible, get yourself and your children to a place of safety. Then call us. We can and will help you. (For more details and helplines, see https://lgfamilylawyers.co.uk/domestic-abuse-in-2025/).

 

Family courts and divorce

Should you need a court to decide on your settlement, it’s worth remembering that all family courts focus heavily on the child's wellbeing. This may strengthen the case for keeping a neurodivergent child in their current familiar environments including home and school. However, this is dependent on the assets.

Often with SEND children, one parent does not work full time, if at all. This ultimately means that addressing and meeting needs is more challenging and requires an expert approach.

 

The impact of neurodiversity on siblings 

Divorce can often highlight the impact neurodiversity already has on all the family, including non-divergent siblings. They have needs too, and as an article in Psychology Today reminds:

“Siblings may have different needs … Children with a special needs sibling are at risk of being “parentified,” as they are often called upon to help with their care. When you and your spouse become solo parents, is this more likely to happen with your children?” (3)

 

Divorce and dual or multiple exceptionality (DME) children

HIP (High Intellectual Potential) and neurodiverse children with exceptional intellect can be difficult to distinguish.

“HIP (High Intellectual Potential) children could often present clinical and neurobiological features common to other neurodevelopmental disorders, specifically, autism spectrum disorder (ASD), making the distinction between them challenging." https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC8699491/

"Dual or multiple exceptionality (DME) … describes children who have both high learning potential and would be classed as having a special educational need because of a learning difficulty or a disability. It means the same thing as the term ‘twice exceptional’, or ‘2e’.” https://potentialplusuk.org/index.php/dual-multiple-exceptionality/definition/

Whether HIP or DME, these children often share similar requirements for specialist support, and the same challenges in school with students and teachers understanding their behaviour. As with all SEND children during and after divorce, it’s important that HIP and DME children retain their regular routines, school environment, activities and interests.

 

Four key actions for parents during divorce 

Divorce can take a lot of time and energy, so pre-planning key actions can help smooth the pathway from first decision to final order.

 

Maintaining routine

Divorce can be very disruptive to everyone’s schedule. This is especially hard for neurodiverse children, who often depend on routine to make sense of their world. While your divorce is being discussed and is in progress, the less this process impacts on their regular routine the better. Usually this involves the child remaining in the family home with their primary caregiver parent, with co-parenting continuing as usual for meals, school, bedtimes, etc.

During divorce, you will need to discuss ways to maintain a consistent and supportive living space for your child for the future. Essentially, this may involve replicating key features of the family home in a second home, from specific modifications such as lighting and furniture, to cornerstone foods in the fridge and duplicate clothing or toys. One alternative to this is ‘birdnesting’, sharing one parenting space between you.
(https://lgfamilylawyers.co.uk/birdnesting-modern-solution-co-parenting-a-send-child/).

 

Keep talking

In my experience, keeping channels of communication open during divorce is essential, regardless of any acrimonious emotions. Joint decisions about your child’s care and future needs will need to be made, and being open to talking will get these made faster and with less conflict. As family lawyers, we can help smooth conversations and act as mediators if required, but a pragmatic approach by both parents goes a long way to mitigating issues. (link to Rita’s video on comms with ex https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XUk7YMtC_wc)

 

Collate your paperwork

As a parent, you may need to be the voice of your child in your divorce. You will need to assemble relevant documents including EHCPs, medical and therapy reports, and other professional assessments from a suitably qualified child psychologist and/or an independent social worker. These will strengthen your case for the level of care required in any divorce settlement and life moving forwards. Your divorce agreement is as much about shared parenting as shared financial responsibility, which as stated before, will often extend into your child’s adulthood.

 

Seek help if you need it 

According to Autism Parenting Magazine:

“Divorce and related transitions can be overwhelming to navigate, especially when trying to make sure an autistic child’s needs are addressed in the short and long term. Parents should seek professional help if their child exhibits prolonged emotional distress, such as severe anxiety, aggression, or withdrawal.” (4)

 

How to tell your neurodivergent child you're getting divorced

Clients often admit that one of the hardest aspects of getting divorced is telling their children. For any child, ideally it should be a gradual process, with both parents agreeing the best approach so the news is delivered in an age- appropriate and non-judgemental way.

Like all children, neurodivergent kids don’t need to know the details of why it is happening, just that they are loved by both of you, and the divorce is in no way their fault. Those on the spectrum for autism will need particular reassurance that their daily routines and coping mechanisms will stay in place as the family transitions from what they experience now to future arrangements as laid out in the divorce agreement.

As Autism Parenting Magazine suggests:

“It gives all parties greater comfort and confidence if these transitions happen slowly. Instead of starting with an entire weekend away from the primary caregiver’s home, it may help everyone to slowly ease into a new routine. Perhaps start with a few hours at a time, then a full day, then one overnight, and then a full weekend with more extended time.” (4)

For the parent who has less experience as the primary caregiving parent, this gives them time to adjust to the child’s needs and be more confident in their role as a sole parent for their contact time.

 

Life with a neurodivergent child after divorce

In two revealing threads at Reddit, (9 and 10) parents with experience of divorcing with neurodivergent children shared the reasons behind their breakup.

Overwhelmingly, whilst they recognised the additional stress for both parents, their child’s neurodiversity was usually NOT the main reason for the divorce. They also recognised the potential issues post-divorce:

“Shared custody with a special needs child isn't for the faint of heart.”

“What's important to realise is that the stress will still be there, even if you are divorced, or you marry someone else, and it is probably more stressful as a solo parent.”

“You do have to be realistic. The person who appreciates what you do for your kids is the other parent. A new partner might understand it, but they don’t appreciate it and still expect you to show up as a romantic partner. Chances are they’ve got kids too … It’s complicated. My second wife and I have been juggling these balls for over 15 years and I wouldn’t trade it for the world.”